Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart

In early September, a very dear friend of mine(I met her when I was 13) told me she no longer wanted me in her life. The details are not important, but I did not, and still don't understand her reasons. The things she said hurt me very badly, and caused me to doubt myself and wonder if I might not be as good a person as I strive to be. I thought as time went on, it would get easier, and I would realize that sometimes, we lose people we love throughout life and it is just a part of life. I thought the fact that my close friends, and my family told me she wasn't that great a friend the last few years would make me feel better. I thought not having the option of calling her or texting her whenever I thought of her would become normal. I thought that being blocked from her facebook page would make it easier for me to not think of her. I thought that looking at my wedding pictures, and seeing her in her bridesmaid dress, smiling and dancing with me at the reception would become easier.

None of these things are true. I still think of her every day. I still go over what she said to me in my head...over and over again and try to find the meaning behind her words. I try to understand what I did wrong. I try to understand why. I try to understand why, when I included her in every step of my life-roommates in college, the birth of my first child, a bridesmaid in my wedding-and invited her to every event that went on, she never included me. She didn't come when my daughter was born. She didn't even ask to hold her the time that she met her. I try to realize that I should have known this was coming, when she started distancing herself and quit coming to things I invited her to. But that doesn't make it easier. Right before she dumped this on me, she told me she was pregnant. She told me it was a secret and she hadn't told anyone else yet. I was so excited for her!

I thought it was the answer to our distance. I thought, now she will be a mom, and we will have something in common again and it will bring us closer! I thought I would finally be able to be there for her pregnancy and the birth of her child and I would get to throw her a baby shower just like she threw one for my first child. I was beyond happy and felt so special with my secret. I couldn't wait for the day she announced it to her family. I couldn't wait to find out if it would be a boy or a girl. But none of this ever happened. She didn't want me to be a part of it.

I still don't understand. No matter what I tell myself, it never hurts less. It just hurts more. No matter what I do, I still think of her and I still wonder what she is doing and how she is feeling. I still wonder what her child will look like. I still wish very strongly that our children would get the chance to know one another. I still hold on to hope that this whole thing was a pregnancy hormone induced freak out and that she will call and ask me to come back into her life. But I know that she won't.

So, I go on with my life, always wondering what I could have said or done differently. I wish I didn't care so much. I wish it didn't hurt me so badly. I found out from a mutual friend that she is having a boy. I am sending her a gift, even though she doesn't want me to contact her. But she threw me a baby shower when I had my first child, so I feel it is only fair to send her a gift. Maybe I won't send a card. I haven't decided yet. Who knew losing a friend would hurt this bad. At least I know in my heart that I tried my best and I did everything I could.

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