Friday, March 18, 2011

Baby Fever

Well, my youngest baby is over 1 now and growing and learning so very fast! She is finally sleeping through the night most nights. She is feeding herself, no more bottles, no more baby food. She now wishes to run away from me, expressing her independence. She no longer sits still when you put her down on the floor. She points at things she wants and even says a few words. And don't get me started on how independent Seth is! Oh my. He doesn't even need help bathing anymore...he gets his own breakfast in the morning. He reads and writes. The only thing both are consistent on is bedtime. I do still tuck them both in and give bedtime snuggles and kisses. I love that Seth calls being tucked in being snuggled. "Mommy, I'm tired, will you snuggle me?"

Call me crazy, but I am beginning to feel the fever. As much as I didn't enjoy my last pregnancy, there is something about having a tiny human growing inside of you that is so wonderful. But would I be insane to start all over again? Probably. However, I have always said I wanted 3 or 4 children, so perhaps I am not done. Maybe it is all the friends I see having babies right now that is causing me to become nostalgic. My husband will tell me to remember all the morning sickness, and the back aches, and the swollen feet. He will tell me to remember the sleepless nights and the post partum depression. He will tell me to remember how I cried to him about the pain of breastfeeding and how I cried when I was no longer able to breastfeed. He will tell me to remember all the times that I didn't know what was wrong with the baby when she cried, before she could communicate at all.

These are all vividly clear in my memory, but I still think I am not done. I mean, how can I not also remember the joy and disbelief I felt when I saw that little pink line appear? How can I not remember the absolute wonder and awe the first time I heard the heartbeat? One does not ever forget the feeling of your child moving inside of you for the first time. It is just a bizarre and wonderful sensation. Who can forget the first time you hear, "It's a boy" or "It's a girl" while watching your sweet little baby move around on the screen at the dr's office, and your heart soars with pride and excitement...How can you forget the time you spend wondering what baby will look like? Will he have my smile? Will she have her Daddy's eyes? And the moment you realize you are going into labor...and you realize your whole life is about to change forever! The moment the nurses hand you your baby for the first time and you look into eachother's eyes and you are in love instantly. And you know that you will do anything and everything for this tiny beautiful person. Love at first sight. It definitely exists.

But, the time is not right for another baby. I just began working, and Joe is not working at all. We will have to adjust our whole schedule once he begins working again. We will have to take our kids out of daycare and begin using a nanny due to the hours we work and the commute to where we work. Some people would say it is never the right time for a baby. But as responsible adults, we have the control over it, so it just isn't the time for us. I can't help daydreaming about when it might happen again for us though. I can't help wishing for another little boy so that we can use the name we have already picked out for a boy or another little girl so that Stella will have a best friend like I have in my sister...oh the possibilities. But for now I must put that wish aside and take care of the babies I already have.

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