Cock-a-Doodle-Doo!!!

Sometimes life is so hilarious. Seriously. It's so weird how seemingly unrelated events can stick in your head and make other things that happen later laugh out loud funny!!!

This all started when one of my awesome aunts posted this blog post( http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/)by my now favorite blogger ever. I am fairly certain that if I met her, we would be best friends forever. I'm so serious!!! Anywho, read the link if you want my story to make any kind of sense at all. I'm perfectly aware that it still might not make sense to anyone but me, but I'm okay with that. Because I enjoy laughing, even if no one else gets the joke.

So, after my entire family read that entry, we all began making jokes about chickens. Another awesome aunt of mine bought a metal chicken and put it on her porch and waited for her husband to notice. My mom made my dad pull over at a farm stand where she saw a giant metal rooster so she could take this picture.

She included the link to the above story and said she had found Beyonce's older brother Bubba. HA!!! Needless to say, we all think chickens and roosters are hilarious now.

Then, the other day, I saw this photo on Facebook and laughed hysterically because it involves a rooster and that's just funny. Plus, he's on stilts. I showed it to everyone in my house. Joe thought it was funny. Seth didn't get it and Stella just yelled, "BIRD!!! Tweet Tweet!!"

Yesterday, it was raining. And cold. I was driving down one of the main busy roads in my area and noticed a rooster trying to run across the road. I felt so bad for that rooster! I mean, it was going to get hit by a car! Luckily, the car it was running around in front of just sat there, patiently waiting for it to move. It got across the road and I cheered! Right on Rooster!!!

So, then I texted Joe: Dude, I just saw a rooster running down the street. I'm not even kidding.

He replied: On stilts?

Best text conversation ever!

P.S. It would be my dream come true if Jenny somehow saw this post. Just because I am certain she would find it funny. And because I am pretty sure she'd ask me to be her best friend.

Shenanigans

Yesterday, as I was dropping my kids off at daycare so I could happily skip down the road to work singing Tra La La La La, I opened Seth's backpack to make sure I didn't miss anything I needed. I found dirt, papers, weird little boy toys, a cereal bar, a bag of popcorn and cayenne pepper. Cayenne Pepper?? I pulled it out and this is what happened.

Me: Why do you have cayenne pepper in your backpack?

Seth:*shrug*

Me: Seriously dude. What is it for? I mean, how did you even reach it when it is in a cabinet even I have to stand on a stool to reach?

Seth: *grins with full on adorable dimple action* and *shrug* I don't know...

I naively thought he wanted to flavor his popcorn with it. And come to think of it, I'm not even sure where he got the popcorn. But then based upon my extensive research using my Facebook friends, I realized that he most likely was up to something.

When I returned home to talk to Joe, we had this conversation.

Me: You know what I found in Seth's backpack this morning?

Joe: What? Oh, hey! You know what I'd really like for Christmas?

Me: What?

Joe: For all the laundry to washed, dried, folded and put away.

Me: How much does that cost? I'll hire someone to do that for you.

Joe: Geez, you're a nice wife. What did you find in Seth's backpack?

Me: Hey man, beggars can't be choosers. Cayenne Pepper! Wtf!

Joe: Huh? Cayenne Pepper? In his backpack?

Me: Yes! How did he even reach the cabinet?

Joe: Um, Karen, I have turned around for 10 seconds and found Stella up on the counter trying to reach that   cabinet. So, I'm sure he can reach it.

Me: What???? OMG, she could fall and bust her head!!! What do you think he was doing with it?

Joe: IDK, probably trying to prank someone.

Me: Damn. They were right.

So, apparently, if your kid has a random spice in his backpack for no apparent reason, he is up to some sort of shenanigans...FYI.

A sticker? Seriously?

This past weekend, my baby turned 2. This is so depressing. But that's not what my story is about. My story is about being THAT mom. You know, the one who has a screaming kid in a public place. Yea, that one.

Saturday morning, I dressed the kids up for Christmas pictures. Stella was having none of that...as you can see here in her facial expression...

Perhaps I should have known that this was not the day to run errands, but they had to be done with her party the next day. So, after her nap, I ventured out. It was cold and raining. I ran the errands and was at the last store, picking up the last few things we needed. I don't even remember what set her off, but Stella began getting fussy and was getting close to tantrum status. 

Of course, you know it's the law that when your kid is being a total brat that there will only be 3 checkers and like 5 million customers in line and you will undoubtedly pick the one line where the person at the front has coupons and complains about the price of every item. Oh and don't forget that the cashier will have issues and have to call for help. Yep. This is what happened to me. And then it began. Stella started to cry about whatever it was. I really don't remember what. 

So, I'm standing there, holding her while she climbs all over me, contorts her body in ways that can't possibly be human, and screams at the top of her lungs, "MOMMY!! NO MOMMY!!!" People start looking at us. Seth starts laughing, because I guess it's hilarious when your little sister starts acting a fool. Me? I start sweating. My anxiety is kicking in. I am sure my face is bright red. But I will.not.back.down. Nope, I will keep calm and pretend it isn't bothering me. I am trying my best to ignore her because the more I say, "Oh Stella, sweetie, we will be done soon, it's alright" in my nice voice, the more she screams and the louder it gets. So, I just stop trying to say anything to her and try to keep her from hurting herself. I just try not to look at the people who are staring at me like I have two heads, even though I really just want to say to them to mind their own business. I mean, don't they realize it is just as embarrassing to me as it is annoying to them? 

Anywho, it seems to be slowing down, which is good because we have been standing in this line without moving for at least 10 minutes. I swear it had to be that long. Ok, so it was probably more like 5 but it really felt longer than that. Suddenly, Stella bit me. Ohmygosh, she bit me! I could not believe it! It hurt really bad too, so now I am not only sweating profusely and beet red, but also have tears in my eyes. I of course said, "No Bite Stella! We do not bite!" in my firmest mom voice. This set off a brand new fit of screaming. Oh gosh. This is just great. I didn't know what to do anymore so I just held her and let her scream. Everyone stared at me. I wanted to scream. I mean, look, we all read the articles and every book under the sun to learn how to deal with a tantrum. Some say take the child away to calm down. Well, this was not practical in this case because I had already been standing in line for so long and if I left now, I'd just have to stand in line again and she'd just flip out again. Also, it was cold and raining outside. So taking her outside wasn't the best option. Yes, we all know there are things we are supposed to do when our kid throws a tantrum. But none of those things really work in the heat of the moment in public. Plus, you can't reason with a toddler. It just doesn't work. 

Finally, after what seems like ALL FREAKING DAY LONG, we make it to the cashier. She asks how I am and I very honestly say "Well, embarrassed, how are you?" She hands Stella a sticker. And she stops crying!!! She even smiles. And sits down in the cart, happily playing with her sticker. You have got to me kidding me!!!??? Some teenage girl just gives her a random, orange sticker that merely says "thank you" on it and that shuts her up???!!! I nearly cried. From frustration or elation, I'm not sure which, but it really doesn't matter. 

All I know is that I'm pretty sure we've all been there, in public, with a screaming child acting completely nutso like they are possessed by some demon. Everyone looks at you like you're an alien and like they would never ever let their kid act that way. But let me tell you something. They probably would. Because at the end of the day, the kid will calm down and will smile and you'll be so happy, you forget about the tantrum that got you all flustered in the first place.

Oh and by the way, the spot she bit me? Right on the neck. And it looks like I have a hickey. And people have been staring at that too. Fantastic.

Red Headed Freak

In the mornings, I drop my kids off at daycare. Stella goes in one room and Seth goes in another. Generally, he walks straight into his and I come back to tell him goodbye after I get his sister settled.

*Note* I died my hair a lovely shade of auburn this past weekend. Yes, it's pertinent to the story.

Anywho...I got Stella settled and went to Seth's room to say goodbye. He was sitting at a table holding court with two girls who were clearly entranced with whatever he was talking about. Star Wars or Transformers, I'm sure. Very stimulating conversation. I kept saying his name over and over but he didn't hear me. So, I walked over to him and said his name once more.

He looked up at me with that mischievous grin and said, "Hi, you red headed freak!" At this exact moment, a mother was sitting her daughter, who was definitely not more than 4 or 5 years old, down at the table and her eyes got so wide. She definitely did not approve of his endearing greeting. I was in panic mode! She is judging me with those eyes! She thinks my kid is a hooligan!! OH DEAR GOD, what do I do!???!!!

Of course I immediately said, "Seth, that is not an appropriate thing to say to anyone. We don't want others repeating something like that." I said this in my very calm, nice mother who never cusses voice. The other mother swiftly nodded and left. WHEW. Fuck, that was close. Man, I thought it was going to get ugly. Really, I found his outburst quite hilarious. I almost laughed. Out loud.

Wasabi is NOT a decongestant

I am coming out of what might be the worst sinus infection I've ever had. I mean, it was bad. I thought it was a normal cold. At least, that's how it started anyway. I woke up with a sore throat on last Sunday and by Friday, my face was puffy and I couldn't breathe if my life depended on it!

Thursday, I was so miserable that I didn't know what else to do. I had tried everything! I had tried vapo-rub, I had tried running the shower as hot as possible and sitting in the steam. I had tried sudafed, sinex, and all the other decongestants I could get my hands on. I was desperate!!! So, after Seth's baseball practice Thursday, I stopped at my favorite sushi place and got the Louisiana Roll. I got that because it is one of the spiciest rolls on the menu and I knew it would also have wasabi. Surely, if I put some wasabi on my sushi, it would clear up my head!

I got home and I put a tiny amount of the wasabi on my sushi and ate it. Nothing. Seriously. Nothing. I didn't taste it. I thought...hmmm...normally, that small amount would make my nose burn and my eyes water! So, I put a bigger glob on the next piece. I put it in my mouth, so hungry for sweet relief...but once again, I tasted nothing. Nothing at all!! I wanted to cry. I put a small amount directly on my tongue...I am completely serious. I was that desperate. It didn't work. I would have cried, by my sinuses were so swollen I think my tear ducts were broken.

I went to Care Now the next day after going to work for a whopping 20 minutes. My boss took one look at me and said, "Go home!" So, I drove to Care Now, feeling like my head would explode from the pressure at any moment. When the nurse asked me if I had taken any medications, I told her everything I had tried to clear up my congestion, including eating wasabi.

So, the dr comes in, takes one look at me and says, "You definitely have a sinus infection. Even your face is swollen!" Of course, she did an exam and said everything was super swollen and she would recommend a steroid shot in addition to antibiotics. And then as she is looking at the chart, she makes a funny face. I can't imagine what she is looking at. And this became a strange and awkward conversation.

Dr: Huh.

Me: What is it?

Dr: I guess I've never heard of this before. You took wasabi decongestant?

Me: Um. No. What?

Dr: It says here that you took wasabi decongestant to try to clear your sinuses.

Me: Oh. Um, I tried to eat some because I was that desperate. It's not like it comes in pill form or something.

She started laughing and showed me that the nurse had written it down as a medicine. Ha! Silly nurse.

Later that night, as I laid there feeling sorry for myself, Seth crawled into bed with me and grinned that adorable dimpled grin at me.

Seth: Snuggle me. I'm ready for bed.

Me: I am sick and weak. Want to be a big boy and snuggle yourself?

Seth: No! I'm not a big boy. I'm a little tiny boy the size of an acorn.

Me: Say what?

Seth: Snuggle me!

Me: Ok. You win.

Who can resist those dimples? Seriously.

What do you DO all day?

I was the first out of my friends to have a child. I was a very young 21 when Seth blessed my life. Parenthood has changed me in so many ways. One of the things I still have a hard time with to this day is the loss of friendships once kids are in the picture. I lost quite a few. As the years have gone on, friends have come and gone and the ones I lost are now starting to have children themselves. I can only hope that they might look back on how they acted towards me and say, "Oh. I get it now." Someone posted this article, and I had to share because it speaks the truth.

Obesity

It's no secret that I struggle with my weight. I never used to have issues losing weight or staying thin. However, during my engagement to my husband, I was plagued with a malfunctioning gall bladder and lost about 25 pounds because I could not eat anything without pain. I lived on jello and chicken broth. Once the gall bladder came out, I gained that weight back and then some because I went nuts eating. Then I got pregnant with Stella. Since she was born, I have gone up and down, but mostly up. I have never gotten back down to my previous weight. At this point in time, I am 40 pounds higher than I should be.

At work, we had a health assessment to get a discount on our insurance premium. They weigh you, take your blood pressure and cholesterol, put the results in some program and then assess you points based on their findings. According to my BMI, I land in the extreme obesity category. I know I am overweight. But extremely obese? That's pretty harsh.

This morning I received a text from my mother. It said, "Daddy said to tell you that if 40 lbs over is extremely obese, at least you are in good company. He is too and he thinks he is very handsome so that makes you fabulous."

BEST. TEXT. EVER.

Thanks Daddy!!!

And then I got to work, sat down and started working. My chair broke. Yep, it broke. I am totally not even kidding. It broke and I almost fell on my ass. And I thought, damn, maybe I am extremely obese.

But, you know what? It's ok. One day, I'll get to the weight I really want to be. Maybe not tomorrow and maybe not this month, but I'll get there. In the meantime, I think I need to learn to start loving myself again. I have to tell myself that my body produced two beautiful 10 pound children. Every day, I give my all to being everything to everyone. I am a good person. These things matter more than my weight.

My good friend told me I have the body of the Goddess. She even googled them and sent me pictures of them and said that a long time ago, a woman with my body would be worshiped and seen as an ideal bearer of children. This is why my friends are my friends and my parents rock. They always know how to make me feel better when I'm down.